my Divorce Makes Me Feel Like a Failure

Woman's Day

Felicia Sabartinelli7/28/2017

© Courtesy of Felicia Sabartinelli My Divorce Fills Me With Feelings of Shame and Failure Divorce isn't uncharted territory for me. It was never seen as something scary, intimidating, or part of some unknown world to me. Many people I knew were divorced, including my parents who ended it when I was 18. My paternal grandparents divorced shortly after I was born. I have seen more failed relationships than successful relationships. That has always been my reality.

But I truly believed that when I finally got married, that it would be different. I wanted desperately to be different. I wanted to do something that they couldn't. I wanted to make my marriage last.
I was never one of those little girls that pictured my future wedding or husband. I never imagined my wedding veil or the vision of my future husband at the end of the aisle. Honestly, I never gave it much thought. I was more interested in my own personal goals and aspirations. However, I knew that if I ever married, it would happen once, and only once.
But it didn't happen like that.
I had two long-term serious relationships before I met the man who would become my ex-husband. By the time I met him, I had been single for a few years, dating here and there, never feeling like I had met anyone worth my time, or anyone who wanted anything more. Needless to say, he was a bit of fresh air. He was wonderful, kind and unlike anyone else I had ever met.
We were engaged shortly after our one-year anniversary and married a few months later. Our short engagement and wedding were even covered in a major national publication. Having our story read and praised was exciting, but I also felt the instant pressure of having a successful marriage.
I wanted to believe that we had found one another, that we would raise a family, together, supporting one another for our lifetime. And I did believe it because suddenly it felt like a nation believed it as well – and nothing makes you feel more driven than when a large group of people are cheering you on.
But after two miscarriages, it was as if I truly saw my relationship for what it was. It was clear that our strengths and weaknesses – after that early dating glow had disappeared – didn't quite fit together after all. So, we compromised. We fought and held on. We worked hard on our relationship for another few years until it was very clear that there was nothing left to save.

It was clear that our strengths and weaknesses – after that early dating glow had disappeared – didn't quite fit together after all.

I realized that I had failed.
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There have been very few times in my life that I have failed. I am tenacious, driven, self-motivated, and fight for the things I love and want. So, when I started to notice the domino effect of my marriage, it killed me. It changed me.
It took me a very long time to reconcile my feelings about my failed marriage. I had many thoughts and feelings about this failure that literally took over my mind. I wondered endlessly, What would our families, friends, and co-workers going to think? What about all the people that read and loved our article? Were we now the laughing stock of the publication? Did people predict that this would happen, and was I the only one who didn't see that it wasn't going to last? What did people think about me and my ability, or inability, to be a spouse? Was I missing something, especially when people told us all the time that we were 'perfect' or 'made for one another?' And I wondered, was I the marrying type? 
I suddenly found myself with anxiety and depression, something I had never really experienced before. An all-encompassing, dreaded feeling of worry and failure took over me, emotionally and physically. My weight ballooned higher than it ever had. I felt sick all the time. I was unmotivated at work and in my hobbies and passions. I saw myself changing, but it was like I couldn't really do anything about it. I pulled away from my relationships – secretive and insecure. I wanted nothing more than to hide inside and disappear.
My failure literally consumed me. It took me two years not to feel like a failure, to not hate the feeling of saying, "I'm divorced." Because every time I said the words, I quickly reminded that I had committed to something that didn't work. I was quickly reminded of my failure when people gave me that look – that obvious look of pity and question.

It took me two years to not hate the feeling of saying, 'I'm divorced.' Because every time I said the words, I quickly reminded that I had committed to something that didn't work.

But as time went on, I realized something pivotal: I didn't fail. I tried. We tried. Yes, it didn't last. Yes, that really sucked. But at the end of the day, we were bold enough and strong enough to let one another go. And that is not failure!

I praise me and my ex for having the courage to make a difficult decision and to move on. I praise us for knowing we both deserved more than what we could provide one another. That decision was based on courage and it was our fear of failure that fueled it – not failure itself. I will forever be grateful of that experience because, for me, failing was just a stepping stone toward a new beginning. I know that now. I live that now. AndI believe it.